Jude's Birth Story
the before
Dave and I decided 7 years into our relationship, after a year of marriage, living our best life travelling the world and building a home, that it was time to think about kids.
On my 28th birthday, I made the call to come off the pill, which regretfully, I had been on for 13 years. I wanted to see if my body could regulate and find a natural cycle that I could understand. It took my body 9 months to bleed. I wasn't stressed to begin with, as we were not desperate to become pregnant straight up, six months went by and still no sign. I felt a wave of anxiety about why something that was naturally meant to happen, wasn't happening. I saw two GPs both saying not to worry, to come back in 12 months (what!?). I finally found a relatable GP who saw my concern and wanted also to get to the bottom of it all. I was referred for blood tests, I booked in to see a naturopath, took all the herbs, and I had acupuncture treatment for three months. After three months of natural treatment, my period returned! I was SO happy, honestly have never taken it for granted since.
By this time, we had decided we were 'ready' - we absolutely were not ready now that I look back, we were so casual about it all. I did not consciously prepare for a pregnancy.
We travelled through Tasmania that summer, we went to a music festival that we were certainly too old for, we drank lots of wine and gin and indulged in amazing food. The last hoorah that we didn't even know about! After three cycles, the fourth period never came.
It took 6 weeks, an oddly heightened heart rate at the gym, and a dash to a corner store in my lunch break for an icy pole, for me to click that I hadn't had my period in a while. I was SO nervous to wee on a stick. I quickly did it, threw the stick at Dave and = POSITIVE (3 + WEEKS). I remember shaking, excited but also shocked.
I scheduled a GP appointment the next day. I had no idea what to do after seeing a positive test. Blood tests were ordered, a dating ultrasound because my period had not really had the time to regulate a normal cycle - everything became real when we saw that little flicker on the screen, a tiny baby growing, due to meet us in October.
the pregnancy
My pregnancy with Jude was easy, it was relatively symptom-free. Cravings were pizza shapes and hot chips. I remained at the gym doing HITT training until 27 weeks, and I mostly fit into my own clothes - it was great. The reflux, not so much.
When my GP asked us what kind of care we were looking for, I was clueless about my options. I knew Private would cost us, and Public wouldn't, and that is it. Having worked in public health, I knew our public system was fantastic and we would be looked after. Once we were placed at Box Hill, I soon found out about my options of care within the system. I read about the Midwife Group Practice Program (MGP), again, I had no idea what this was, but it sounded great. The only issue, the program was full. I had my name down on a long list, with a note "VERY KEEN". At 18 weeks, after already having my first appointment at Box Hill, I got in. I was thrilled, honestly wrapped. I met my beautiful midwife, who just gave me everything I needed in my pregnancy. The confidence, the encouragement to make my own decisions, and also gave me the resources to learn. She introduced me the to Australian Birth Stories podcast.
At 20 weeks we found out we were having a boy. His name was set from that moment on.
I am such a planner, I am organised, and I love a spreadsheet. I had so many lists. My head was deep in the planning game. All for the baby. The time I spent comparing prams, and monitors… goodness.
When it came closer to the end, of that third trimester, I was feeling so tired, I had insomnia, reflux and so much fluid. Mentally, I felt good, and I never really felt the need for things to happen quickly. I finished work at 34 weeks, which was probably too early, but it was good to rest and nest.
We did Hypnobirthing birth classes, which we both enjoyed, and opened our eyes to what actually happens in birth - but on a very top layer. I did no further education apart from listening to Australian Birth Stories weekly for the whole nine months. Honestly, this is the best education out there, real-life birth stories from mothers.
I had a rough birth plan, but really it was what the Hypnobirthing course outlined as what 'should happen'. It was more of a template, looking back I feel like I was under the impression that saying no to every intervention or pain relief was the aim of the game.
My body felt good, and I felt ready, so I waited until he was ready.
the birth
At 40 weeks my mum took me out for a Sri Lankan spicy curry - she was ready to meet her grandson. Sure enough, the next morning at 6 am, I stumbled out of bed and my waters broke, instantly felt period cramps. I knew I had to present to the hospital if my waters had broken. I called Dave and told him to turn his car around, we had a baby on the way. We went into the hospital; I was SO excited. We had scans, and my midwife 'had' to give me a script for antibiotics, I didn't test for GBS, so I assumed it was because it was unknown and to decrease the risk of infection.
We got sent home, and I threw the tens machine on straight away and popped Pitch Perfect on. Snuggled on the couch, I tried to relax as much as I could. I bounced around on the ball as things progressed and began pacing around the house. Ten's machine doing its magic. Dave kept an eye on the timings of things so that I could remain in the zone. I had music blaring through my headphones, and as things got harder, I went more inward. By 8pm, things were progressing and because my waters broke at 6am that morning, my team wanted me to come in. The car ride was 13 mins, and it was SO uncomfortable. This, and arriving at the hospital with all the bright lights really pulled me out of my rhythm.
My midwife greeted us at the doors, I was so pleased to see her. The birth suite was set up so beautifully, the bath was running, dark with little lights around the room.
While the bath was filling, contractions were flowing, tens machine was up high, I noticed I was bleeding - a lot. Baby and I were checked over, an internal and doppler - both of us fine, but I was then told I had to be hooked up to continuous monitoring, which sadly meant no bath. This was the one thing I desperately wanted. We had to adapt and I had to let go of that dream.
A few hours in of swaying and walking around the room, I was about 6cm so doing well - but needed relief. I had the gas, breathing in and out. We jumped in the shower, I felt like I was in there for hours, and the water felt cold, and my feet were killing me, time went by and I was feeling exhausted. I remember not being with it, my mind was not present.
I was offered an epidural - looking back, I think was nearing transition, but because my waters had broken so long ago, I was on the clock. I took the Epidural, and the Syntocinon and rested.
A couple of hours in, the sun was rising. Dave had not left my side, so many hip squeezes and holding me up and getting me water. He was resting while I was resting. My midwife had to leave, she had exceeded her shift time and she had to hand me over to her backup – who I had met once. She was amazing, so calm.
I started to sense that the medical team popping in and out frequently were getting impatient. I was over it too, it has been almost 24 hours. So many people began piling in the room, talking, checking etc. I had a couple of internals over a few hours, things had slowed down since the Epidural.
The OB at the time told me that I was likely going to have a C-Section. I was on the clock. They were concerned about my waters breaking more than 24 hours ago and the risk of infection. At this stage, bubba was so content in there, not one worry, he was monitored continuously. Dave, myself, and my midwife agreed to keep waiting. They gave us an hour. I was just feeling so defeated like I had gone all this way and that the result was not what I had wanted.
The OB’s changed over their shift, buying us a little more time. The new OB, still on the same C-Sec train, came in, checked me and I was almost 10cm but with a cervical lip.
I was really out of it by this stage, I was beyond exhausted, I was sore, shaking, feeling anxious, feeling sick.
Her words - "you can have a vaginal birth, but we will need to help you by using forceps and making a tiny cut – some women have a small pelvis and need help." I was desperate not to have a C-Section, and felt I was out of options, he needed to come out into the world. I gave consent and everything was prepped. I spewed all over Dave, I had the shakes, the adrenaline was full on.
At 1.04pm on the 30 October (his due date) they pulled him out and straight onto my chest – his little eyes wide staring straight into mine. He was so calm, with a little cry and lots of cute noises – he was so content, calm and as exhausted as us.
He was perfect. The little marks from the forceps made me teary, I was just so happy he was here. We had really been through it all. That feeling of having him in my arms was honestly the most amazing thing in the world. I forgot about the last 30 + hours, it was so worth it.
I was given an injection help speed the delivery of the placenta, I was asked if I wanted to look at it and I thought no way - I was done.
While they stitched me up, under the bright lights, Jude laid across me and we attempted a latch. I had no idea what was happening, I was so out of it. Jude was also not interested, we both had little energy. The midwife was kind to me and him and understood we just needed a breather.
Everyone left the room. It was the three of us. I could barely stand up; Dave was SO exhausted and we just started at this beautiful little thing we made together. We were truly elated – a whirlwind of emotions.
the after
We stayed 2 nights in the hospital, they felt for us and knew we had just been through a 30 + hour marathon. I lost a lot of blood, they decided on a blood transfusion and Jude had a little trauma from the forceps to his face. Establishing breastfeeding was not going all too well, I was clueless about what I was doing. I had helpful midwives but all of them had different techniques, and I was feeling a little lost. I tried antenatal expressing leading up to birth, I had the smallest amount of colostrum and he was given that.
By day 3, I was ready to leave the hospital, we passed all our tests however, at the time, I did not know that Jude hadn’t been weighed at the time of discharge. I was still so sore. Our breastfeeding was ok, but not great. I was keen to get home.
Night one at home, which was night 3 with Jude – was so rough, so so rough. I was deliriously tired, he was up and wanting to be on me, on the boob almost all night. I did not realise that this was normal, I really struggled. Dave did his best to keep us both as rested as possible and did everything he could so I could be horizontal.
On day 4 I had family visiting. I was tired but happy to see them and introduce them to Jude. My midwife came past that morning, Jude was jaundice from the delivery, and he had also lost more than 10% of his body weight. My milk was yet to come in, and I was finding it so hard to feed – nothing was happening just drabs of colostrum. Jude was very quiet, and sleepy most of the time.
The midwife gave us instructions to head straight back into the hospital and present to special care. I was beside myself; the tears were non-stop (day 4, cue the baby blues).
We arrived at the hospital, Jude was so tiny, he felt cold and was so sleepy. They had him up on a table and started examining him, adding a drip, doing a round of blood tests – his tiny little body under a heat light as they tried to find his little veins. They wanted to keep him there just in case he had an infection and help him put on weight. It was intense, I was very scared.
He was placed in a Humidicrib and I sat on this incredibly uncomfortable red chair, my stitches still so tender, and watched him sleep. I had to work to bring my milk in immediately. I would feed him at the breast, then pump for 20 mins on repeat every 2 hours for over 3 days. I honestly cried for three days straight, so worried for him and completely overwhelmed by all of it. I knew he was going to be OK and I knew he was in good care, but it felt like a lot. I would spend all my time down in special care, if not feeding we were skin to skin, Dave would bring in food and sit with me and we would wait for the doctor to come around and update us. With the milk, I was able to provide and the formula top-ups he gradually put on weight, and his temperature was stable, a round of antibiotics and he was good to come home.
Both of us were so relieved. Though it was hard, I had some beautiful nurses support me through breastfeeding, and my midwife continued to check in on me, and make sure I was healing. She listened to me and allowed me to debrief and unpack Jude's birth.
Looking back, I think if I had just been given more support to establish breastfeeding, and understood that my body was working so hard to heal itself, my milk was taking a little longer to come in – I wish I had known options for top ups, or reached out to the lactation consultant at the hospital before discharge. All these things I know now. I wish I was more prepared, and kinder to myself and understood the mammoth effort my body went through – and that I needed support too.
It didn't take long for Jude to thrive, the top-ups ceased, and he was breastfed until he self-weaned at 13 months. The first few weeks out of special care were super slow, we saw a lactation consultant and beautiful friends and family came by to visit and celebrate our little man.
We really found our groove by about 3 months, and then by 4 months both the 4-month sleep regression and COVID came about at the same time… it got really hard, isolating and not what I pictured maternity leave to be.
Amongst the craziness of it all, were feelings of immense joy, some of my happiest memories, meeting my mother's group, watching my closest friends have their babies and watching him learn and love the world around him. There was so much learning for both of us: to let go, to slow down, to embrace all that motherhood is. I fell so deeply in love with my little babe, he was worth it all.
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